Merry Go Round
by RowlingTribute91
Summary: Some secrets are so full of confusion and agony that they leave your mind and heart spinning for days, even years. Deanne Jenkins knows this feeling all too well, thanks to one girl: Nymphadora Tonks. Yup, it's femmeslash. No smut, but the M rating's to be safe.
1. First Impressions

**First Impressions**

The "L" word. Deanne Jenkins wouldn't dare say it out loud. It tasted like acid on the tongue, but there was no way around it: she just wasn't attracted to guys. Never had been. The idea sent her off on a merry-go-round ride that she didn't want to take, spinning nauseously to who knows where.

Everything became clear (or shall we say, confusing) the day she met Nymphadora Tonks. She'd seen the girl with bright pink hair get sorted into Hufflepuff… and fall down on her way to the table. Deanne had thought it was kind of adorable, the way Tonks blushed when she gained back her balance. It made Deanne want to introduce herself right away to this strange yet intriguing girl. As it happened, though, they were in different houses. Deanne belonged to Gryffindor, and because Tonks was a true Hufflepuff, Tonks rarely spoke during classes.

After an autumn Potions class, Deanne finally found an opportunity. Tonks had lagged behind to gather up her items.

"Need some help?" Deanne asked.

Tonks nodded appreciatively. "Thank you. I'm Nymphadora Tonks, by the way. But _please _don't call me by my first name."

"Oh, I already knew who you were," Deanne replied with a smile. She told Tonks her name, and the two girls kept busy putting ingredients into their bags while they talked. "Remember your little spill at the Sorting?"

"Don't remind me," said a bashful Tonks. Even through the low lighting, Deanne noticed that her cheeks were red again. "I already had a bad day in here. Snape can't stop taunting me for two seconds, I swear. He's so terrible!"

"Isn't he?" Deanne agreed, smirking again. "He failed me miserably on the last essay. And what's with that oily hair, eh?"

Tonks snorted. "But the look works so _well_ for him!"

"You really should try to insult me when I'm not around," said a drawling voice behind them. Tonks and Deanne jumped a foot. The Potions master had appeared right at the very worst moment.

"I see you've managed to make a friend, Miss Tonks. Jenkins must be a bad influence on you. Sad to say that you'll be spending time together in detention, for your inexcusable comments. Ten points from Gryffindor and Hufflepuff."

Tonks bowed her head. "Sorry, sir."

The girls solemnly walked to the door. Outside the Potions classroom, a fit of laughter erupted from their guts. They had to lean on each other to stop from collapsing.

"That did not just happen!" Deanne chortled. Tonks slapped herself on the knee as she continued laughing.


	2. Broken Mirrors

**Broken Mirrors**

By sixth year, Deanne and Tonks were best friends. They cheered for one another's Quidditch teams (except for when their houses went head to head, of course), hung out in the library to compensate for living in separate common rooms, made sure to sign up for the same classes, and explored the village of Hogsmeade together. The more Deanne came to know Tonks, however, the harder it was to deny her attraction to her. Why did she have to be so sweet, funny, and most of all, beautiful? And those Metamorphagus powers of hers? Beyond cool.

At the last Hogsmeade visit before Christmas, the girls escaped the bitter cold by stepping inside the Three Broomsticks.

"Here you are, girls." Madame Rosmerta handed Tonks and Deanne their Butterbeers, and they settled down at a nearby table, shaking off the snow from their winter coats and boots.

A Gryffindor boy at the table across from theirs waved at Deanne; Lucas McFadden, who obviously couldn't see that she wasn't interested. Deanne sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Ooh, who's that?" Tonks sang jokingly.

Deanne shrugged. "Nobody that I like. He just doesn't get it."

Tonks tilted her head matter-of-factly. "But I've seen him do that before. Are you _sure_ you don't want to ask him out?"

"Well, if he was a tad nicer," Deanne slowly admitted, "I might do that, except for…"

Tonks added patiently, "Except for…what?"

Deanne couldn't speak for a moment. She might as well tell Tonks the truth, if they were ever going to get anywhere.

All the words come pouring out in a flurry: "Except for the fact that I don't like boys! Okay?"

Deanne couldn't take being around the girl she loved at the moment. What was the point? Tonks would probably grill her on how wrong it was, and she might even end their friendship. Deanne quickly put on her coat and ran for it, her boots crunching through the inches of snow, all the way back to Hogwarts. Not caring who she shoved along the way, she didn't stop running until she was seven floors up. _I need a place to hide, _she thought, circling a brick wall three times. The Room of Requirement opened its enormous door. Deanne slumped down into a worn-out chair that was surrounded by piles of unwanted items. The merry-go-round in her head spun madly. _I didn't ask for this! _She changed her mind and rose to wander about the room. Deanne spotted a Divination book on the floor. She picked it up and threw it furiously at a mirror that was standing next to her. The mirror was only slightly cracked by the book. Her reflection showed a messy bob of blonde hair, fierce sea green eyes, and an expression of anger. Deanne walked closer to it.

"BREAK, YOU. STUPID. MIRROR!"

She punched the mirror with each word, then countless more times, until it shattered completely. Pain shot up through her wrist. She returned to the chair and cried into her hands for a while, ashamed. Above her sobs, she didn't hear someone enter the room, nor did she flinch when a hand fell onto her shoulder. Deanne recognized the hand. She refused to look up.

"Hello, Tonks. I forgot you knew about this place."

"Deanne. Your knuckles are bleeding. Madam Pomfrey will want to fix that."

Deanne looked down to see that it was true. No doubt some bone had broken from the force of her punching.

"I wasn't going to abandon you or tell anyone, if that's what you were thinking. In fact," Tonks said in a hesitant tone, "I know how you're feeling. Like there's a burning hole inside of you, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get rid of it."

_That's __exactly__ what it feels like_, Deanne thought, utterly surprised. Was Tonks going through the same dilemma? If there was a war waging in Tonks' mind, Deanne genuinely wanted to know about it.

The next sentence Tonks spoke answered Deanne's question. "I don't know _what _I am. Be grateful that you do."

Deanne finally turned her head backwards to face Tonks, who slid her arms around her neck and rested her head upon Deanne's head. Her hair had become a neutral shade of brown.

It was obviously no accident that Nymphadora Tonks had come into Deanne's life. Her presence had a way of making Deanne feel secure, like nobody else could. "Thank you so much, Tonks. For being here, and for opening up to me just now." Warm tears landed on Deanne's shoulder, tears that weren't hers.

"We'll be fine," her friend whispered. "I promise."


	3. Let It Snow

**Let it Snow**

Most of Hogwarts went home for the holidays, including Deanne. She still hated being spun around insanely, but Tonks was all she needed to make the merry-go-round more bearable. Now that they both knew each other's darkest secret, it was easy for Deanne to flirt with her and not be worried.

Tonks had invited her over to her home for a few nights. It was a small house with only two bedrooms, since Tonks was an only child. Deanne got to help put up some decorations, without magic, which made her all the more impatient to come of age in six months.

"Are we almost done?" She complained to Tonks as they were stringing ivy garlands on the basement staircase.

Her friend chuckled. "Yes. Don't worry. I think Mum and Dad go a little crazy with the décor, personally."

"I heard that!" Mrs. Tonks yelled from upstairs.

For about the hundredth time since their run-in with Snape, Deanne and Tonks put their hands over their mouths and laughed incessantly. Deanne accidentally dropped her part of the garland. Tonks walked further down the steps to help.

"I've got it under control," Deanne insisted. "You didn't have to come down." They knelt down together, and their hands touched on the garland. Neither girl let go.

"But I _wanted _to," Tonks said flirtatiously. Then she winked at her. Deanne winked back.

This was another perk of their conversation in the Room of Requirement: Tonks was getting bolder by the day, and her feelings for Deanne were becoming more obvious.

After securing the garland downstairs, the girls came up to eat dinner. Mr. Tonks was the last to join them at the kitchen table, having just returned from work.

"Did everybody have fun decorating?" He asked.

Mrs. Tonks looked at the girls with a smile. "Some of us more than others…"

"We had good reason. Mum, you're the only one of us three who were allowed to use magic to do it," Tonks argued. "It's not as fun when I can't levitate the objects into place."

"She's got a point, Dromeda," her father joked.

They all cracked up at once. Deanne could definitely feel Christmas in the air at the Tonks household. _Love __might be in the air, too, _she thought hopefully.

"Mrs. Tonks," she said while they were clearing up the table, "can Tonks and I go outside?"

Tonks' mother cheerfully replied, "Of course, dear. You two worked hard today. Go be kids while you're still kids!"

Deanne and Tonks hurried to pack on layers of clothing for the snowy weather.

"Race you to the door!" Tonks challenged.

They took off at lightning speed. Out of breath, Deanne got there first. She curtsied to her friend and gestured to the door. "After you, fair mademoiselle."

Tonks blushed at Deanne's chivalry. _How cute is that? And her hair's pink. _Deanne loved when Tonks wore that shade, which was nearly all the time.

In the backyard, a snowball fight began immediately. They pelted each other back and forth for minutes on end until Tonks surrendered defeat.

Deanne decided to race her again. She lightly punched Tonks on the arm and shouted, "Tag, you're it!" It wasn't long before one caught up to the other. Tonks being Tonks, she wound up falling into the snow, taking down Deanne with her. They were so close to each other now.

Deanne giggled, softly moving a strand of Tonk's snow-covered hair. "You've got such a bad habit of tripping, you know that?"

She'd waited long enough. Now she was dying to know what it felt like to press her lips against hers. Tonks didn't resist. It didn't matter to either girl that she was kissing another girl. All that mattered was that they were in love.

"Happy Christmas," Tonks said into her ear.

So _what _if life took them on a never-ending merry-go-round? They would be riding it together.


	4. X & X?

**X &… X?**

"_I'm diving off the deep end;  
>You've become my best friend;<br>I wanna love you,  
><em>

_But I don't know if I can."_

-Coldplay

Summer arrived in a flash. Deanne and Tonks had just one more year left at Hogwarts, and it was already shaping up to be their busiest yet. They had a large work load for the long holiday. Not that Deanne wanted to focus on it at the present time. Tonks was sitting on her lap, wearing a flowery-print summer dress that had a zipper in the back. It provided a very bad distraction.

"I'm thinking that we should do our Defense Against the Dark Arts homework first," said Tonks. "Seems like that will give us the most trouble."

Deanne thought Tonks was being insane. _My parents aren't home, my_ _girlfriend is sitting with me on my __bed__, and all she can talk about is __school__?_

"You know what _I'm_ thinking?" Deanne asked, moving her fingers playfully along her friend's back. She couldn't help but notice that her hair became flaming red.

A shiver ran through Tonk's body. "That feels good. Anyways, I know it's only July, but really, we need to concentrate-"

Deanne began to kiss her ferociously, pushing Tonks into the bed. Soon, they were touching every which way, feeling for the forbidden pleasures that lay underneath. Deanne pulled on the zipper of Tonks' dress. In less than a minute, the dress was on the floor, followed by Deanne's button-up shirt. Deanne quickly became addicted to the sensation of skin on skin. It meant even more knowing that Tonks was the girl of her dreams. She was going to take things farther when Tonks moved away.

"Stop… I can't do this. I really want to, but I just… can't."

Deanne tried not to show disappointment. "All right. That's fine. Another time, then."

"No, it's not only that," Tonks added somberly. "I mean… _us_. I can't do it anymore."

Deanne grew agitated. "You can't be serious!" Her girlfriend wasn't laughing about it, and realization dawned on her. "Is it your parents? We could tell them together, if that would make you feel better."

Tonks gave her a strict "No."

"Why not?" Deanne pouted, not wanting Tonks to break up with her for a bad reason. "I already told mine, and they really like you. I think your mum and dad would be more than understanding. Didn't your mum get disowned because she married a Muggle-born?"

Tonks bent over to get her dress off of the floor and put it back on. She handed Deanne her shirt. "Yes, that's true. I'm not worried about them." She motioned for Deanne to zip her dress up, avoiding her eyes. "It's… the rest of the world. They can be so _terrible_ to couples like us. I don't want to be hated for loving you."

Deanne sat up, re-buttoning her shirt with anger. "Nymphadora Tonks, you're such a coward! There will _always_ be people in the world who hate us, and we can't do anything about it. I thought you wanted to be an Auror. The job description doesn't say: 'It's ok to be afraid in this line of work'! You have to be ready for any kind of danger. The same thing goes for us."

"But you don't understand," Tonks claimed, rather pathetically, in Deanne's opinion.

"No, _you _don't understand!" Deanne bellowed. "After what you put me through in Hogsmeade, you think _you_ have it worse? It _killed_ me to confess everything, but you had me shoved into a corner."

Tonks stood up, looking as though she'd been slapped in the face. "I wasn't expecting _any_ of what happened that day. Do you think it was _easy_ for me to tell you how I felt?" she demanded timidly. "I was dead scared from the minute we met! My crush on you was only going to stay a secret, but then you had your little breakdown. I knew it was right to let my guard down for once. And when you kissed me, I fell even faster. I suppose you think _this_ is easy for me, too. Well, think again." Tonks sighed, clearly frustrated.

Deanne took her hands. "If it's so hard for you, then don't do it," she said softly. "Don't make me beg, Tonks. I love you." She hadn't known this talk would lead to that, but she wasn't sorry for saying the truth. "You don't need everybody's approval." She opened her arms to hug Tonks.

Tonks held on for a second, but then she fixed her gorgeous brown eyes on Deanne sadly and told her, "Sorry that I'm not as brave as you. We'll always be friends, but as for being more… this is goodbye."

Loads of words came into Deanne's mind. She wanted to defend their relationship to the ends of the earth. Yet Tonks had been known for her stubbornness. She never backed out of a choice once she made it. Resigned to that reality, Deanne asked, "Can we still have a last kiss?"

"It would be too sad," Tonks replied, shaking her head slowly. After saying this, she Disapparated.

It was hard to hate the girl, but Deanne felt like crying. She'd just lost something precious, something that she would never have again. If this is what the merry-go-round did to people, then she officially wanted off of it. _Now_.

She went over to her desk to write a note for her owl to send, addressing it to the only person she could think of.

_Hi, Lucas. Sorry that I've been standoffish to you this past year. It wasn't anything personal. Would you like to have a drink with me at the Leaky Cauldron sometime? Please write back. _

_-Deanne Jenkins _


	5. Tumbling Backwards: Memory 1

**Tumbling Backwards **

_"Those were the times and these were the places  
>Your love was so good;<br>And now that I'm here, I suddenly find that I'm tumbling backwards…_

_I'm back to where I was before,_  
><em>Dreaming of glory and your love;<em>  
><em>And now I'm lying on your floor,<em>  
><em>Crashed on the surface of your love."<em>

-Keane

**-Seven years later-**

"Well, dear, thank you for the wonderful breakfast. I'm off to work!"

"See you at dinner." Deanne gave her husband a kiss on the cheek, and he Disapparated.

Lucas McFadden had gone through quite a transformation from the mean boy he used to be. Some days, Deanne could make herself believe that she actually loved him, but this was one of the other days, where she only thought of him as a brother. She'd just received an owl before he came to the kitchen. The return name on the outside of the letter bared the initials: N.T. Deanne had been communicating with Tonks this way ever since they left Hogwarts. Usually, they simply vented to each other about the stress of work. Tonks had become an Auror (much to everyone's surprise), while Deanne worked as a Healer at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Other times, their letters were more personal, talking about how much they missed each other. How much they missed being together. Lately, though, Tonks' notes had been devoid of any romance. All she could talk about was this werewolf named Remus Lupin, a fellow member of the Order of the Phoenix. She'd fallen madly in love with him, and he loved her too, but so far, he'd been rejecting her because he was terrified of what effect his condition would have on her life. There was no telling what message this letter held, and, seeing as Lucas didn't know about Deanne's romantic past with Tonks, Deanne kept it closed until he was gone. She moved to her living room and sat down on the sofa to read.

_Deanne, _

_I just thought you should know that I have a boyfriend now. And yes, it's Remus. He __finally__ did the manly thing and kissed me the night that Dumbledore was killed. I'm so happy that sometimes I have to pinch myself to know that it's real! I really wish you could meet him. He's not at all the way you might imagine a werewolf to be. You and he would get along well, since you were both Gryffindors. Of course, I don't want you to ever think that I don't care about you anymore. I owe you one for nursing me back to health in the hospital, after that nasty battle in the Department of Mysteries. _

Deanne smiled a little, remembering the many nights where she held Tonks' hand while she was asleep, pretending that Tonks still belonged to her. She turned back to the letter:

_Hope that you and Lucas are well. The Ministry keeps me busy as always (and I __hate__ all the changes that they've made), but we should have dinner some time. Let me know what date would be best for you._

_Sincerely, _

_Tonks_

She checked the living room clock. Two hours until she had to be at St. Mungo's. That would be enough time for the trip that was formulating in her brain. Nobody would mind her arriving early. Deanne Apparated to a discreet alley in London, and from there, she strolled to a run-down store called Purge and Dowse, Ltd. Once the Muggles were nowhere in sight, she stepped through the window. She was now on the ground floor of St. Mungo's.

"'Morning," said the Welcoming Witch sitting at the Inquiries desk.

Deanne nodded to her and replied, "'Morning, Maggie. No time to talk. Was just called in urgently. Have to run!" She picked up her pace, wandering to a faraway room that was only available to the employees of St. Mungo's. Holding up her Healer identification card to the door, she tapped it with her wand three times. The door swung open, revealing an intricately-carved stone basin. She put her card away, shut the door, and marched up to it. The contents of the basin appeared to be water, but any witch or wizard knew that it was part of its magic. When she read the letter from Tonks, a memory had surfaced. Deanne put her wand to the side of her head and extracted it, placing it in the Pensieve. Immediately, her image appeared. It was a younger version of her, from her third year at Hogwarts. She leaned towards the Pensieve and fell in, returning to the castle that held so many memories…

Deanne and Tonks sat in the library, collaborating on their latest Defense Against the Dark Arts essay. Looking over their assignment, Deanne read it aloud:

"_Describe the actions you would take to defend yourself against a werewolf, should one cross your path." _

"Well, first, I would run for my life until the beastie was out of my sight," Tonks joked, waving her hands like she was being chased by a werewolf and making a low screaming sound.

Her friend laughed softly to avoid the attention of Madame Pince. "I don't think Professor Wrigby would accept that for an answer. And I'm pretty sure that a werewolf would bite you sooner than you could get away!"

Tonks became full of curiosity all of a sudden. "What would you do if you met one? You know, in human form?"

"According to my mum, most of them never make contact with the Wizarding world, so I doubt that it would ever happen," Deanne told her in a professor-like tone. "You shouldn't worry about such a little thing."

"But it's _not _a little thing!" Tonks countered. Her face was strewn with concern. "Why are they so outcast from society? I mean, I get why they can't be around us when they transform, but apart from that, aren't they just like other humans?"

This was a side of Tonks that Deanne cherished the most. She loved how much compassion this girl had for the magical creatures of the world.

"Sure they are," Deanne agreed. "I wouldn't mind meeting a werewolf, if we're talking human form. That kind of thinking could take you far up into the Ministry one day." _And it might cause me to fall in love with you_, she thought privately.

"What are you looking at me like that for?"

Tonks' question snapped Deanne out of her daydream. "Come again?"

"You just looked at me as if… never mind…" Tonks immediately stuck her nose into her book.

Her friend wasn't always easy to read, but this much Deanne knew: Nymphadora Tonks only blushed when someone complimented her or made her nervous. She'd always claimed that boys were the only thing that caused her to have anxiety; however, the big smirk Tonks was wearing, coupled with her red cheeks, gave her away. In that instant, Deanne realized that there might be more to their friendship. Tonks had seen it in her eyes, too. An emotion that shouldn't exist. _Couldn't _exist.


	6. Tumbling Backwards: Memory 2

It was here that Deanne came back to the present. She went to the Spell Damage floor for work, knowing that she'd never respond to the letter. It killed her to even consider that someone else was making the love of her life happy, someone who was a _proper _match for Tonks. No sense in encouraging them.

A couple weeks passed, and an additional owl came to her window. Somehow, Deanne knew it was from Tonks. She decided not to open it until she was at work, alone in the women's bathroom.

_Deanne_

_Remus proposed to me today! The wedding's going to be very small, but it would mean the world to me if you came. Yes, it was sudden, but the war going on showed us that life is short. There's always the likelihood that one of us could be killed soon because of our involvement in the Order (not trying to depress you, but we have to be realistic here). Remember when I told you how much I loved him; that I was willing to be there for him no matter what the circumstances were? I meant it. I just can't wait to be his wife! _

_Sincerely, _

_Tonks _

Deanne fought back tears. She'd made it through her breakup with Tonks well enough. Yet there was no escaping the sting of her worst nightmare come to life.

Unless she relived the past.

This called for another journey through the Pensieve. Deanne traveled back to the summer before fifth year…

Tonks and Deanne arrived home from Hogwarts only a few days prior to the summer wedding of Tonks' cousin, Martha. The girls shopped in London for their dresses (as Martha was a Muggle), and on the day of the wedding, they helped each other get ready in Deanne's room.

"I love your dress," Tonks gushed. It was an emerald green cocktail dress with frays on the sleeves, covered in emerald beads.

Deanne said a muffled "Thanks," poking her head out from the new outfit as she put it on. Tonks zipped up the back for her. "It was nice of your cousin to invite me."

"She knows how close we are," Tonks replied simply. "I love Martha, but it wouldn't be nearly as fun without you coming." Her eyes darted to her dress, which was still lying on her bed, back to Deanne. "Can I please put your necklace on for you?" she begged excitedly. "You never dress up, so it's the _least_ I can do."

Deanne nodded. It was useless to argue when she was doing this for her friend. In front of her mirror, Tonks picked up Deanne's lengthy necklace from her dresser and strung it around Deanne's neck. She let her fingers linger there for a few seconds.

Deanne had to exhale shortly. _She didn't mean anything by that. Stay calm._

Pointing at Deanne in the mirror, Tonks exclaimed, "Just take a look at you. Such a pretty picture. Mind if I change in here?"

"Uh…" Being in the same room as Tonks, while she changed clothes, would bring up more not-so-guiltless thoughts, but Deanne knew how to behave herself, didn't she? She ended up nodding, electing to take her chances.

Tonks walked over to her bed and turned around to undress.

_Merlin help me._

After that moment of temptation passed, Deanne watched Tonks pull her dress over her body. It was a poofy, strapless pink number where the main feature was a bow at the waist. Not something Deanne would ever wear, but it fit Tonks perfectly.

Tonks came to the mirror. "Deanne, will you help me with my zipper?" She'd said it innocently enough, yet Deanne detected a hint of flirting in her words.

Deanne took her time with the zipper, fighting the urge to trace a finger up the length of Tonks' back as she pulled it up. Somehow, Deanne managed to keep her desires in check and finish the job.

Tonks glanced into the mirror, frowning. "I think something's missing, aside from my pink hair, which I had to alter for today…" She'd decided to go with the same shade of light brown as her father's, a shade she wore every time she was around his family. "Maybe it's my nose… or my ears…"

"Shut up!" Deanne was used to Tonks speaking about herself this way, saying that everything about her physical self needed to be different. "Don't change anything," she insisted. "You look beautiful." Deanne put her hands on her friend's waist.

Tonks abruptly sprang from her grasp. "What in blazes are you doing?"

"I was just… well…" Deanne couldn't make any other words flow from her mouth.

"Actually, I don't care what you've got to say about it," Tonks said sharply, "so long as you don't do that again!" She turned from Deanne timidly to the clock on her wall. "Time to go."

Deanne attempted to stay composed while they traveled to the wedding, but her mind was far from easy. She glared at Tonks crossly during the entire ceremony. _She'll never know just how badly I wanted to tell her everything... _In spite of what Tonks had done, Deanne Jenkins still loved her. And it was a dull pain, a merry-go-round, that would never stop.

After coming back to reality, Deanne gladly closed up her station and ended her shift for the day. Apparating home felt impossible. She was unable to focus long enough without risking a splinching, so she used the Floo network.

Lucas hadn't arrived home yet. Deanne stepped outside with her owl, a tawny owl named Finn. He ruffled his feathers, staring at her for instructions.

"I need you to send this to Tonks, please." She attached the paper to Finn's leg, and he flew off through the moonlit sky.

Deanne found that the night suffocated her. Tonks was gone for good. She had dreamed of the day when they would be more than friends again, but now, that little flicker of hope was like reaching for empty air. All Deanne could do was sink down on the side of a tree, bring her knees to her chin, bury her head in her arms, and weep.

One solitary word was inscribed on her note:

_Congratulations._

That was all she'd been able to write, out of fear that the letter would get stained with tears.


	7. Ghosts and Memories: Memory 3

**Ghosts and Memories**

"Another one, please." In the Leaky Cauldron, Deanne downed her fourth shot of firewhisky, laid it down on the table with a _clang_, and immediately regretted it. The bartender stared at her, appalled by Deanne's behavior. But she wanted to feel as numb as possible. Whatever it took to forget Tonks, she would do it. She slumped on the table, her head in her hand. Her right elbow covered up the newest owl from the same girl she was trying to put out of her mind.

_Deanne,_

_Things have been happening so fast around here. First of all, I'm pregnant! Kind of a shock, isn't it? Remus was shocked, too. __So__ shocked that… I don't even want to write this down… He left. The man is afraid that our child's going to be a werewolf. What's more, my dad has just gone on the run from the Ministry. You know how horrible they've been to Muggle-borns lately. I'm so worried about him. What if he dies of hunger? Or what if he gets caught and killed? Seeing you right now would make me feel better about everything. Will you come over soon? I think I'll visit my mum, but at the moment, she's faring worse than me. This hurts too much to go through by myself._

_Sincerely, _

_Tonks_

Deanne clenched her fist, revealing faint scar lines on her knuckles from that fateful day, when her darkest secret had spilled out of her. Who had she been kidding? No amount of alcohol could wipe away Nymphadora Tonks from her memories. When you love someone, they stay with you until your last day on earth. And nothing can kill you faster.

She turned the letter over to its blank side and scribbled her response:

_Good. Now that he's done to you what you did to me, you know how much it hurts! Don't expect me to come crawling back to you so easily. I will keep your dad in my thoughts, but I'm not going to visit. Remember what you said when I asked you if we could kiss one last time? "It would be too sad". That's all I have to say. _

_-Deanne _

Taking a look at the clock above the bar, Deanne suddenly rushed outside. She was supposed to be at work soon. _Glad to be a witch at times like these. _After returning home and sending Finn off with her letter, she Apparated to St. Mungo's.

"Deanne? What happened to you?" Maggie, the welcoming witch, glanced at Deanne warily.

Deanne had forgotten that she probably appeared to be a complete mess. "Ran into another Dementor, that's all," she mumbled.

Maggie nodded sympathetically. The supporters and followers of Lord Voldemort had recently taken over the Ministry, as well as Hogwarts. Dementors were some of his most loyal companions, not to mention, the creepiest.

On a whim, Deanne decided it was time to visit the Pensieve again. She was feeling nostalgic. Stumbling to the basin, she settled on a special memory: one day out of the six wonderful months that Tonks was her girlfriend…

* * *

><p>Hagrid tended to a cluster of bushes while flowers bloomed and a chorus of birds sang. Spring was making its way to Hogwarts. Deanne and Tonks sat on the grass next to the Black Lake. When no one around them was looking, they held hands.<p>

"We should plan something special for tonight," Deanne told her. "It's your birthday, after all."

"I'm perfectly content to just be here with you. Besides, we've got our Astronomy class later. I think there's going to be a full moon."

This gave Deanne a brilliant plan. She tried not to show her excitement as she frowned at Tonks like a puppy. "Why do you have to spoil my happy thoughts? I _am_ going to surprise you. It's not every year that a witch comes of age!"

Her girlfriend's face became all flushed. "You don't have to do anything. My dad joked that turning seventeen doesn't technically count as coming of age, because Muggles don't become adults until they turn eighteen. But he and my mum sent me this stunning necklace." Tonks took out the necklace from under her robes and held it in her palm, its gold sheen catching the light. It was the crest of Hufflepuff, with a badger in the center. She let Deanne touch it to admire the detail.

"Wow. That's some handiwork there. You know I don't like most things that are…" -Deanne fumbled with the next word because it made her want to gag- "feminine, but I still love jewelry! This is absolutely gorgeous. 'Course, it's not as gorgeous as you."

A giant smile came across Tonks' face. "You're the best girlfriend in the world," she said in a low voice, briefly brushing her lips on Deanne's wrist.

Just then, the castle bell rang out. The girls stood up and went into the castle for dinner. A few hours later, they were viewing stars with the rest of their class on the Astronomy Tower. Professor Sinistra had just finished her lecture.

"Please write an essay on the importance of Pluto, to be handed in at the next period," she announced. "Class dismissed."

Deanne gave Tonks a signal that meant _stay put_. They packed their bags so slowly that Professor Sinistra had to walk over to them.

"What's taking you so long, girls? You may be sixth years, but you know you're not allowed to be here by yourselves."

Professors always had to ruin everything. "Can't Tonks and I hang about for a minute?" Deanne pleaded. "It's her birthday!"

The professor's expression lightened. "Oh. You're of age now, Tonks? A momentous occasion indeed." She grinned mischievously. "If any of my colleagues come to me and ask why two figures were seen alone in my tower… they were ghosts." Sinistra waved goodbye to them and strolled away.

"I see what's going on," Tonks teased from behind Deanne, placing an arm around her shoulders. "You wanted us to enjoy this amazing view. I never get tired of being schooled in a castle!"

"Me neither. Hogwarts is an incredible place. But that's not the only reason we stayed here. Your dad ever read you Muggle fairy tales when you were little?"

"Yeah," Tonks replied.

"My mum told me some of them, too, since she's Muggle-born. I thought it would be fun to pretend that I was rescuing my princess from her tower." Deanne ran a hand through Tonk's hair and kissed her softly. "There. I just kissed a princess."

Tonks immediately played the part and curtsied, giggling. "Why thank you, my dear prince. Now comes the part where we run off into the night on a horse."

Hand in hand, they skipped down the stairs to their respective common rooms. The moon illuminated their figures, two souls forever connected by a thread.


	8. Ghosts and Memories: One Last Memory

When Deanne returned to her Healer station, she couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the day. That is, until she came home and the truth sank in. The memory had been from seven years ago. Why was she constantly looking back when she should be moving forwards? _You know perfectly well why_, the voice in her head said. _Tonks made you proud of who you were, but the minute she stopped being true to herself, so did you. You'd rather live a lie than be honest._

"Deanne, you're burning the pie."

Lucas brought his wife's attention back to her baking. Deanne's heating spell had been aimed at the levitating cherry pie for too long, and now the pie was severely charred. She let it drop, where it crumbled to pieces on the floor.

"Oh, _blast_ this confounded wand!" she yelled. "It doesn't seem to be working today."

Lucas glared at her. "Don't be stupid. Your wand's in top condition, and we both know you're fully capable of making a simple pastry. What's wrong?"

"Nothing that concerns _you_," Deanne snapped. She headed to their bedroom, but he followed her.

"Just _tell _me what's got you so worked up! I'm your _husband_, for goodness sake-"

She slammed the door in his face. Suffice it to say, Lucas slept in their living room that night, while Deanne cried herself to sleep. Only one person, aside from her parents, would understand why she'd broken down.

Tonks didn't write again until January.

Deanne was in St. Mungo's, making her way to her next patient, when an owl pecked his beak on the window nearest her. He was older than the last time she saw him, but she recognized him. He belonged to Tonks.

"Hello there. Do you have something for me?" Walking up to the owl, Deanne saw her name on the note that he carried. She nearly ripped it open in anticipation.

_Deanne,_

_Sorry to bother you. As you probably heard, my dad was killed by the Snatchers. I can't go a day without crying anymore. Please come. I need you. I love you._

_Yours truly,_

_Tonks_

Those last three words blurred Deanne's vision. Finally, she'd received the response that she'd wanted from Tonks all those years ago, on the day their relationship ended. There was no way Deanne could go back to working at a time like this. Another memory had resurfaced. A memory that she had tried to erase, but always came back to haunt her. Abandoning her Healing shift, she took her last trip on the merry-go-round they call the past…

* * *

><p>The following months after Tonks broke up with Deanne were pure agony. Seasons came and went, and before Deanne knew it, it was the end of her years at Hogwarts. The castle held seven years' worth of memories with Tonks. Why would Deanne <em>ever <em>want to leave? As Tonks had assured her, they continued to be friends. But so many things remained unsaid between them. Every time Deanne saw her, her poor heart still ached to hold her close again. Judging by the changes in Tonks' appearance, this misery wasn't one-sided. For months, she kept her hair the same shade of blonde as Deanne's. Today was no different.

"I wonder how I did back there," she said to Deanne when they walked out of the Great Hall from their final N.E.W.T.S. exam.

Deanne shrugged. "I began studying months ago, so it was rather easy for me. One step closer to being a Healer!" This had been a goal of hers ever since Professor Sprout recommended that she look into it, back in her fourth year.

"And I'm one step closer to being an Auror!" Tonks added cheerfully. "Come on. I feel like celebrating."

Tonks waved for Deanne to follow her, and they hurried off to wherever she had in mind. With her friend being so spontaneous, Deanne willed herself to believe that anything could happen; it didn't surprise her when Tonks stopped at the seventh floor.

"What do you say we pay a final visit to the Room of Requirement?"

"All right by me," Deanne replied with a grin. Walking away, Tonks began the ritual to open the room. After her third rotation, it revealed itself.

The girls strolled inside to find a picnic blanket and basket on the floor, complete with candles in every corner.

"Since we're ditching the last dinner in the Great Hall, I thought we needed some food," Tonks explained.

Deanne eyed the picnic apprehensively. "Isn't this atmosphere a little… _more_ than friendly?"

"That was the idea," Tonks mumbled.

For a breathless moment, they were silent, while Deanne held her gaze. Inside, she was pleading, _please let this be real. _

Tonks cleared her throat. "Listen… Deanne… I know I'm the one who ended it… but I… I can't stand being near to you all the time… without…"

Deanne refused to shed a tear as Tonks leaned her up against the wall and crashed her mouth onto hers. Did this mean Tonks wanted to be with her again? Deanne kissed her repeatedly to find out, gliding her hands around Tonks' hips and drawing her even closer, bodies intertwined in unmistakable passion. Tonks returned each kiss. If only Deanne could make it last. Lucas never kissed her like this.

_Merlin's Beard. Lucas_.

Deanne broke them apart instantly. "Are you forgetting about my _boyfriend_?"

"No," Tonks replied, staring at the floor. "And honestly, I'm still not comfortable enough to let everyone see us in this way. I couldn't get rid of my feelings even if I tried, though. All this year, I just felt so guilty that I didn't kiss you one more time."

Deanne was struck hard by anger and despair. It took all of her energy to reply. "Clearly, you need to stop caring about what everyone thinks, because that ruined _everything_ for us; otherwise, we might still _be_ something! For someone who loves me, you're acting like a heartless monster."

Tonks burst into tears. "I don't blame you for being upset... Just because I'm not ready to tell people who I am doesn't mean… that I'm not in love with you."

_This girl is killing me_, Deanne thought with a pang of anguish.

"Maybe you are, or maybe you're just giving me more false hope," she snapped. "If we _were_ to get back together, you'd want to keep us a secret. _Again_. Do you really think we'd be happy, lying to the world?"

"I guess not. But Deanne… I miss you so much." She reached for Deanne, who took a step backwards.

"No! Go find somebody else to torture." Deanne spun around, leaving Tonks alone to sob. Both of them were overwhelmed by pain, yet Deanne convinced herself that Tonks was only putting on a show. _Deanne_ was the one who suffered more. In seven years, she would learn differently.

* * *

><p>The older Deanne rushed to Tonks the minute she jumped out of the Pensieve. She had to get to her, to apologize for being a rotten friend. Disapparating was the quickest way. <em>Let the merry-go-round begin again…<em>

Within a minute, she landed in the front yard of the Lupin household. It was strange to think that Tonks had a new last name; then again, it had taken Deanne some time to get used to her own married name, especially when she used to fantasize that Tonks would take her maiden surname someday.

Deanne knocked on the door, and she heard Tonks yell in a strained voice, "Come on in." Inside, Deanne discovered her friend lying on her living room sofa with a moderate-sized baby bump showing through her shirt.

"You came." Tonks sat up, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I was beginning to think you'd never want to see me, after everything…"

Deanne wordlessly threw her arms around her. "I'm so sorry about Remus and your dad. Remus _will _come back, but in the meantime, I won't let you go now. You cry all you want, you sweet girl."

Tonks wept in her embrace for quite some time, while Deanne stroked her hair. Anyone who saw them would know that theirs was a love that never truly severed, even though their short relationship had been over for what seemed like ages. _But the fact is_, Deanne reminded herself, _Tonks hadn't __wanted__ to break it off with me_.

Deanne noticed there was a radio on the stand next to the sofa. "How would you like to dance?" she asked Tonks, wiping the tears from her old girlfriend's eyes.

Tonks grimaced and gave a little sniff. "You always did know how to make me feel better when I was sad. I would be honored. Help me up, please." Deanne lent both of her hands to Tonks and lifted her to her feet. When she turned the radio on, a slow song by the Weird Sisters was playing.

"Careful not to squish the baby," Tonks warned, giggling as they closed the space between them.

That inspired Deanne to ask, "What are you naming it if it's a girl?"

"I thought I might give her my mum's middle name, Mira. If it's a boy, I want to name him after… my dad."

Deanne worried that Tonks was going to upset herself by talking of her late father, so she started moving them to the beat of the music. "Boy or girl, I know you'll be a wonderful mother, Tonks."

They danced for two songs, carried away by every note, every rhythm, every lyric, and the need to stay in the moment. Neither of them could bear being apart for even a second, wanting to communicate everything that couldn't be spoken. The comfort of Tonks, her heart beating with Deanne's, was only temporary. Deanne didn't know just how temporary.

Eventually, Tonks was out of breath. "I sure am sleepy," she said with a yawn.

Deanne kept hold of her friend's hand. "I'll walk you to your room. I told Lucas in my note that I was staying overnight. Unless that would feel too strange to you, after everything-"

"No. It wouldn't," Tonks assured her quickly. "I want you here."

Supporting Tonks with one arm, Deanne brought her to the master bedroom. Her friend sank onto her bed instantly. One whole side was empty, where Remus should've been. Tonks patted the mattress, inviting Deanne to sleep next to her. Deanne didn't even question the gesture. She joined Tonks, and as they lay there, talking about their days at Hogwarts, old wounds opened up. It hurt to think of how lovely the moonlight was on Tonks' face, the way her eyes seemed to sparkle. They were a universe in themselves, where Deanne wished to live forever. But that could never happen. The world just wouldn't allow them any ounce of happiness.

"It's almost at the end of the moon cycle," said Tonks in a somber tone. "Tomorrow night will be awful for Remus. Who's been making the potion for him?"

Deanne pulled her towards her and answered by saying, "He's got decades of experience with this. I think he can handle it." She paused, choosing her words with caution. "One day, he'll see what a mistake he made, leaving a wonderful girl like you. I guarantee. And he'll return when he does. For now, get some rest while you still can, before your baby's born. Motherhood's a job in itself."

Tonks nestled her head in Deanne's neck. "Good night." She kissed Deanne's cheek. Her lips felt so tender on Deanne's skin, so perfect, as it had on that day in the snow.

Deanne began to wonder, _what could be so harmful about kissing her just once? _ But even though she didn't love Lucas as much as she loved Tonks, Deanne knew she couldn't be unfaithful to him. And Tonks was completely dedicated to Remus, no matter how idiotic he'd been for walking out.

"Good night, love," Deanne whispered. She settled for kissing Tonks on the top of her head.

Falling asleep in the warmth of her arms, Deanne felt like she could touch heaven. Their past thirteen years of uncertainty and chaos, friendship and romance, hadn't been typical. Like a merry-go-round, they'd spun out of control; but as long as they had each other, hidden from the world, nothing would really hurt them.

Not even death.

"_I know they're only __**ghosts  
>And memories<strong>__ that I'm clutching at;  
>Maybe I'm reaching back<br>For something I never had;  
>Still, it seems so real to me,<br>These ragged threads  
>That lead me back to you."<em>


End file.
